MOMENT 52 - Finding My Way

How do we decide what is best for us or the people that we love! In life I do believe that there are second chances, and in some cases third chances to get things right. More importantly with these chances will we have actually done right by others!

I am in a state of flux! I'm at a turning point in my adult life, which requires me to not be selfish and think about the well-being of others. Its odd how we think we know what's best for ourselves and even others; but is that a truth? Is it the development of becoming more self-aware that provides this sense of self-awareness or is it just foolish grandeur of a bad mind?

Either way I pray that God who finger tip is the cosmos itself blessed me with the care, kindness, understanding, and will to do right by other and myself. I decide my fate. I decide the rest of what life will be like for me. By making this statement I accept all of my outcomes - I accept me, who I was, who I am, and who I will become!

BEHIND THAT SMILE

I thought I had overcome the feeling of being weak, the feelings of not being more. I am still fighting with my stunted potential. I cannot help the feeling of helplessness. I am depressed and I do not know why. I have been thinking of killing myself for the last couple of years but never gave any real consideration to the thoughts until now. At first I thought I was just experiencing some low points in my life. But I have come to realize that I do not love myself.

This is most troubling, considering I always tell my friends to keep their heads up and be strong and here I am the one not being strong. I don't think any of my friends know how I really feel inside. I am being ripped apart piece by piece and I don’t know what to do about it. I have been having lots of sex without condoms and not caring… In fact I don’t think I’ve cared about much since mom (grandmother) died. But even now I believe that is an excuse to not come clean.

I have done so well lying to others about my feelings that I have fooled the fool! Myself! I don't know what to do, and I cannot say that I am not scare, because I am… I not scare of dying just dying alone. At least that is what I believe, and some how I have this idea that if I kill myself while I am love and have friends I will have died in a manner that matter? I don’t know it all sounds so crazy…

I truly believe there is someone inside me yelling, banging on the insides, and underneath all this body, this man who never grew up like a young man should is crowed and dying. He’s begging for help but no one hears him! I don’t even hear him, but I know he’s there because I see him from time to time when I look in the mirror. He's not that big and strong person that everyone thinks he is, he’s pretty weak, and pathetic! A sad person who lies to cover his pain!

Rock of stability

Everyone is looking for stability, and they all want you to be like a 'Rock'. The only problem with this is that 'Rocks' erode over time.

- Brain Salkowski

ONE THOUGHT - ONE WORD - ONE ACTION - ONE WORLD - ONE PEACE

____AMERICA__LAND__OF__FEAR_____



what is the easiest way to get your population to conform to
to the ideas that you wish? As a Government, how do you reshape,
mold your population into the lambs that you want them to be?
How dose a Government take control, rule you, without force?

' ____I__KNOW__HOW____ '

Feed you an idea of freedome.
Tell you that money, capitalism matters most.
Build your dreams, of an American dream.
The dream of MONEY< POWER< the thing that rules all.

Now here is the fun part! They scare you! They Scare you!
They put fear in you. The fear of losing it all!
The fear of losing everything you own!
Those things, the things that own you now!

That's now you control a population of millions! Take what
they have, and put the fear of indigence on the table!

______DO NOT__LET__THE__GOVERNMENT__DO__THIS__TO__YOU______

____FIGHT__THE__FEAR____

POLITICS

Well, its almost election time and I know who I am voting for; do you?
I found this chip and thought it was interesting.

What I Cannot See!

To the eyes of man go with them the hearts of others that they may control the fate of the world. It is in these times that we can only believe in that which we cannot see; we must have faith!

Faith is the spirit that surrounds us and is indeed true and everlasting. Man my build, heal, cure and comfort, but man cannot build, create, or conjure faith.

Faith resides within, and it is mans ability to believe -- that we develop our faith, and it is only then that our faith can be seen!

THE CALL

Today, August 5th. I cannot understand why my feelings are so diluted. I can remember a tear forming in my eyes. I could feel the frustrations of my isolation from my family; so far away but so near. There I was, just off from work and on my way home. My phone rang very soon after turning it back on; I answered.

My sister, which whom I haven't spoken with in nearly a year contacted me. You see this was an odd day. I worked that morning and the work day came and left as if not much effort was put into it. This day, as like a few days before, I turned off my mobile phone; not so much that I did not want to be reached, but more because it was nice to be unattached to the digital world.

My sister’s voice came across the phone, it was unfamiliar to me. I questioned the authenticity of her voice. "Who is this," I asked, in a firm yet uncompromising manner. "It is me, Bunny, your sister!" My sister... I thought. In a flash, I questioned why she would be calling me from the depths of the blue unknown. Blink! I was back to reality; "What can I do for you!" I uttered.

She did not take much time to responded, yet I could detect a moment of hesitation. It was if time had stopped and the moments that seconds had claimed to be their own were a lie… I know… I had just stolen one of those so very precious moments. I could hear her voice; her lips fixed themselves into the proper position to say... “Daddy is dead!”

After the first syllable fall from her lips, she let loose the words that our beloved father had died. I was jealous and angry that I could not go back in time and stop her from uttering those very painful, disturbing words. That sentence, the phrase that surely would kill me from the inside out and beyond, destroying the psyche of this fragile man.

My mouth laid open, my eyes red, my heart stopped, the sound of traffic became muffled then mute. My lips did not move, but some how words leaped from my tongue and spoke without asking. "What did you say," I asked! "I just wanted to tell you," my sister replied. "Would you like to speak to your cousin Shonda," she asked? Like that of lighting honed in on a target, I replied, "NO!"

IN MEMORY OF MY DAD - SAMUEL JOHNSON
1926 - 2008

MAD WORLD

This I feel from time to time. There are days when I throw my hands to the sky and in side I'm SCREAMING WTF!? I had often wonder if anyone understand me or was I just MAD! in a MAD WORLD!

This video by Gary Jules, sums up how I feel and it makes me cry because I feel lost and un-savable like the world around me! I'm sad, in pain, with a fever that never seems to go away. In side we, me, I burn, perdition's brick road clearly in view. So, who can you salvage from the darkness!?!? certainly not me!

From the mirror to our eyes

In to the hearts of others does go the light from your heart.
What you breathe we exhale. What you love we desire, what you give we take and what we have become is the image of your works, from your mirror to our eyes!

- OPTIMISTIC -

Hold open our eyes - for what we see as being so clear is only meant to hind the truth from us.

But I say to you, hold open your eyes to what must be done; that being, you must learn the truth.

Carry with you the only hope you have, that being optimism.

Optimism is the key; this is the means to which we must travel, and on our journey, it is our optimism that will unlock the truth behind all closed doors.

Our eyes are not yet open, veiled by worldly goods and lies of a better way of life.

Yet I remain optimistic, I attempt to use my key to unlock all closed doors. Stay true to your path, for what lies within is deceit and mistrust.

There are those who would squander or even deplete this precious resource which is needed to find the truth, and it is for this very reason that I sleep each night with my optimistic key tucked beneath my pillow.

In The Name Of!

I am surprised to see so many responses to what people have said here, this is most interesting to me considering the topics of which people here discuss.

What does it mean to make a statement that is profound? How does this change us as individuals? Do we believe if we say something that appears to be profound that it will change our thinking, or are we every bit as ignorant as we were when we started? How do we find the strength to protest what we believe is wrong, yet we fail to rise to a worthy challenge? Why is it that everyone else’s cause becomes our cause and only those who see themselves as virtuous attempt to aid those who are in a false sense of need?

We talk about God as if he/she was running water. We us God’s name to justify our actions, and we speak in Gods place as if we really have in inkling of what the Lord really wants from us. Did it every occur to anyone that maybe God wanted us to learn things for ourselves, that maybe God provided us with all the tools we would ever need to learn about him/her? It is so easy for us to speak on the behalf of the Almighty, reason being, we are afraid to speak for ourselves.

“The Lord said don’t do this, don’t do that, but to do this and to do that.” We speak with such certainty in Gods name and perform some of the most horrific acts in under the banner of righteousness; how can we? What powers have the Lord bestowed upon us that we, his/her/it’s children could ever comprehend what it is like to be omnipotent?

The question here isn’t who or what do you believe in, nor is it, what can God do for us, or help us with. The answer is, God gave us all strength, durability, heart, spirit, mind, and most importantly, choice. It is these things that are the greatest gift any one could ever ask for or want. Use what was given to us wisely, for it is not in our nature to naturally acknowledge our weakness, rather it is to deny them. Moreover, if we accept and learn from our weaknesses, it will make us invincible and that will be the greatest tool for good this world will ever see.

EnFree

- EnFree -

The Dead Can Dance fills my head with thoughts of freedom,

freedom of what I ask myself. Because I know that in the

company of my mind, I can never truly be free. So the Dead

Can Dance on.

- Love, Why? -

I think we all hope to obtain love some day and hopefully by someone that truly loves us back. But, how can we ever be sure that the one we believe to be the love of all love is in deed that true love. Why do we want it so bad? The answer is, love can lift, motivate and remove burdens. Love can also crush, destroy, and even cause us to kill. So, why is it that we try so hard to find this ever elusive feeling; this thing that is the end all purpose of mate-dom.

I can say with certainty that I’ve been a fool for love and without the gratifying ending that so many Hollywood films depict. You know the one I'm talking about--with the loving couple that reunite at the end and live happily-every-after. In my mind, it would be the most spiteful of all jokes if the Gods placed love among us for their own personal entertainment. Can you imagine those narcissistic bastards sitting among the heavens watching us rip each other apart, beg for their help to find some reason to fall in love once more and repeat that cycle all over again? So I say; love, Why?

The Loop!

Now that you've gotten yourself out of bed, walked to the bath room, jumped out of the shower, dressed yourself for work. You had your super quick breakfast or none at all. You head to your 9 to 5, smoke break when you can, time to go, fought the traffic home. You zapped your microwave dinner and stressed over your bills. Now watching American media that lies to you. You watch the commercials that tell you are ugly or fat or stupid or have a small penis or inject this poison into your forehead it will remove winkles.

'NEW FLASH,' the microwave food you just ate has Ecoli. You freak, you try to write down the lot number the News caster announced. You call your physician that you can't afford, because your 9 to 5 doesn't cover Ecoli. You stress even more because now all the hard work that you put into your 9 to 5 seems like a waste, because now your going to die before you can spend it all. For a brief moment you forget about the Ecoli announcement and you ponder who will end up with your money.

Now you feel really sick, and the walls are closing in, and you can't seem to breathe. The lights seem a little darker, and the TV sounds a little less audible, and your stomach seems to bubble and churn. Your faith... Oh, your faith seems to be the only way out. So you pray and you pray and you pray, and you pass out~

You wake many hours later and its morning. You are on the floor where your meal is glued to your face and the acid from your belly leaves the soft flesh of your cheeks sensitive; tender. You don't feel so good, but you get up, go to the bath room, jumped out of the shower, dressed yourself for work, had your super quick breakfast or none at all, you head to your 9 to 5, and you start all over again!

The World We Wish

The world can be a crazy and mad place to live in. The world around us challenges even the strongest and most noble of warriors. Many with the best of intent have tried to change the world and their attempts have been met with opposition, criticism, and even anger. Men and Women alike have put their best foot forward to achieve a world of reason. Many visionaries have perished, but not before sowing the seeds of the next generation of visionaries.

These new children of the world are faced with even more adversity than their predecessors. Todays children are born into a world of greater greed, war, global domination, and opportunities that distract them from the truth. This new front in which todays youth are challenged carries a burden unlike that of their fathers, which is all the more reason to be on their guard. For the children of today, the same sword that they wield in battle would be their undoing.

It is unto the children of today--that the fate of our people, our world, hang in the balance. So, who will stand with you? Who will face the guillotine to save the world from itself? Who will melt the world in their hands and to mold it into a world we wish to live in?

What is in the words of a song?

I have been blown away today. I don't think I can fully express what I experienced. I was searching for some music on a LA public radio station; KCRW. I usually listen the the archived Aaron Byrd show. A few weeks ago, there was a song by the group Little Dragon. During my search I came across this song and its video, which literally made me cry! I don't know how to explain it, but if you watch the video, watch it alone with no distractions, preferably with head-phone on.

WHAT IS BEAUTY

Have you ever wondered why people find us attractive?
Have you ever wondered why we ignore the compliments they give us?
Have you ever wondered why we don't take their compliments serious?

Why is that?
Why can't we take what someone truly meant as a compliment and hold it,
bask in it, believe in it.

Why is that so hard for us to do?
Why can't we just accept the graciousness that others have provided.

what are we afraid of?

Are we afraid that if we reciprocate it will send a false message?

WHAT ARE WE FUCKIN' AFRAID OF?

We tend to not see what they see. We tend to reject what they "claim" to be
a fact for them.

We look at their remark with contempt, distrust, and utter bewilderment.

WE SUCK! WE SUCK BECAUSE WE CANNOT STAND OURSELVES. WE CANNOT BELIEVE THAT
SOMEONE WOULD FIND US ATTRACTIVE, THAT SOMEONE COULD ACTUALLY WANT US! WHAT
THE FUCK IS OUR PROBLEM? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE LOVED, OR BELIEVE THAT THE
PERSON THAT SAYS "You are beautiful" actually means it!

WE FUCKIN' SUCK! I FUCKIN' SUCK, & YOU FUCKIN' SUCK FOR NOT BELIEVING ME!

- THINK

"Be the change you wish to see in the world".

- Gandhi

Meaningless Sex or Good Ole' Masturbastion?

I have had meaningless sex before. I am not proud of my actions but I have had a one night stand. Yes, I will admit, I enjoyed it, it felt great. However, there is a downside to that type of fun. I had to deal with either me being at some persons place that I did not know or some one being at my place that I did not know.

So here in lies the problem and discomfort after the "ALL WONDERFUL FEELING OF CLIMAX" was dissipated. The thoughts of "was I safe enough." I may have warn a condom, but there are other STD's that a comdom will not protect you from. I never considered myself to be a "whoe."



In my mind I felt that I was a man and we all have needs that need to be fulfilled. However, masturbation wasn't on the table as a viable alternative until recently. I have been tested for HIV just about every years and often throughout the year just so that I would know my status in case it changed. I have been blessed that I am negative. Some of my friends have not been so lucky and they are dealing with something that has completely changed their lives.

So, my only option until I find a suitable mate is to MASTURBATE! I actually think masturbation is good for you. You don't have to worry about who's bed your in or who's in your bed. You don't have to worry about STD's. You don't have the thoughts of depression that may occur after a ONE NIGHT STAND! And for the most part, masturbation is very human.



It is a part of our nature and our wellbeing. Some people think that masturbation is wrong and a sin against the Heavens. Well am not going to attempt to weight the level of any sins against the heavens, but in my eyes, sleeping around isn't good for anyone.

I think that in the past some of us, we, and even me, have slept around thinking that we were going to find love, instead of looking or finding love first. Sexual emotions can be very strong. And it is those very emotions that we have to keep in check. Not just for the safety of our vessels, but for the safety and wellbeing of our minds.

So, I choose to masturbation until I find that person that will love me for me, and cherish the life that we can build together. I may not always be successful, but I will solider on in my endeavor to better my body, my mind, and ultimately my soul.