Loves Hope

LOVES HOPE

From the water’s edge you dashed your foot against a rock twice. The third time you had my full attention. I brushed the droplets of water from my eyes so that I could see you better. Still blinded by the Sun or your smile… You moved as if the water carried you from one end of the lake over to me… not quite in slow motion but slow enough that each flap of winged creatures, each speck of pollen could be seen with my naked eyes, all so beautiful dancing in the air. You were the image of Poseidon’s child, Arabian features trapped between this world and Greece. For a moment all things vanished in a blaze of white and golden clouds. I couldn’t move, still waiting for your first words to pierce my soul. I was too caught in the glory of you to realize you had already shared everything with me and when I remembered I finally knew you!

The Confessions

Confession 11 I love my partner. I would even say he’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But what I’m having trouble with after three years of being together is leaning him! We still argue about silly little things that tend to blow up and become much bigger than it ever should have. Strangely enough, I am sure that he cares greatly for me and he has proven his care and love for me, but at a price that I think is way too high. He has placed his own desires, will and esteem on the back burning. Now, before any of you decided to beat me up… hear me out! I never asked or implied or encouraged this behavior from him. The way in which he describes it goes as follows: Tony you have a very strong personality… I do! Tony you do not know how to just give in… True! Tony you can always argue a good case that makes people question their point… I do! So, am I a bad person because I can argue my points better? Am I a mean person because I look at other ways of approaching a situation? Is it my fault that he ask my opinion and when I provide it with additional feedback he doesn’t like it??? I'm just over us arguing about silly stuff… I just want him to be happy and I don’t know how to shut up and let him have the floor. I have to figure this out! Not sure how… Until next Confession

Talking is Killing my relationship!!!!!!!!!!!

One would think that Easter is a day to remember the grace of Jesus, the son of god, the carpenter, the prophet, or any other name you chose to call him. But one thing about today that I can honestly say… I do not feel like I’ve risen from the ashes. I do not feel like I have transcended into a better person. In fact I feel like shit today… I feel like I’m truly alone in this piss-hole of a world.

I have a partner and the past two and a half years have been hell for him. He deserves better than I am giving him… For some reason, I seem to be incapable of being a kind, loving and understanding person. So, let me share with you what I mean… You see, we always have moments of fun, but never real joy… I don't think we’ve ever had one week where we didn’t fight or have some kind of communications issue! "IS THIS NORMAL!?!!???"


Now, I like to ask myself if it’s all me and I honestly couldn’t say no or yes and neither can he… but I do know that he has a tender heart and it’s starting to harden. I know that I have to do something that I do not want to do, which is leave him! He is a good man, we just can’t figure out what works for us! This is most unfortunate, as I do love him… I am beat up inside and I am weakened because we are not supporting each other…

ITS VALENTINE'S DAY!

Its Valentine's Day Again, which is a day where every single person feels like crap! I like to think that the world is sending a message to singles saying - HEY! Your not worthy! That sucks and is completely not true, because I was one of those singles just a year and a half ago. I'm happy that I have a good mate in my life that is willing to deal with my craziness like no one else could.

So, since I have good love to pass around, I'll pass that love to the singles out there and with a little message from me to you. Guys & Girls, pick up a heart; your own. Life is noting more than moments that pass rather slowly. Savor each moment, for it is when we are not paying attention that time becomes our adversary and we lose track of it! Love more (yourself first), talk less, and listen intently. Always keep your minds eye open to the love that could be right in your face. Don't let the worlds idea of a prefect mate keep you from yours.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Life is a Dream!

I believed in this life and all those that will follow when this one is gone. I have lived many times over and over again, seeing each past life in the dreams of the now. We learn things about ourselves that we either come to love or hate. Many of these self-revelations are constructed from caring hearts or the woes of the defeated.

Life is odd and its as if we're on a never-ending journey to no where. This realization can be painful and even demoralizing if not put into perspective. For years I thought I traveled this world alone, only to realize yet again, that all isn't what I nor we think it is or will ever become! Life is stranger than we know and only its end will unravel its secretes - secretes which are dosed in bits of cryptic unconsciousness.

Choose a path! We are taught this idea from eyes open to eyes closed and either we grow to become good and noble or depraved and sad. I choose to believe I am good in heart, a beast of nature; passionate! But, which ever one you choose or allow yourself to become, just remember, your escape is only temporary, as you will no doubt revisit the now in the dreams of your next life.

DOG DAYS

My days have been just what the title suggest; Dog Days! I mean we use terms like this to describe when things are not so good. I like to think of myself as being a strong person. I have strong ideas, opinions, offensives and defenses. For some, including myself that can be a bit of a problem.

I like to think that I know what I want. I've built my adult life on the foundation that being firm, strong, knowing would being success. Now, here is where the problem lies. I have this crust that is so thick that I'm finding it difficult to break! Meaning that my tactics aren't working... Yes, I'm made myself stronger, but at what cost!?

I keep carrying the same ole' dogged mentality with me everywhere I go and its nothing but destruction! Its so stupid... I have been both virus and cure for my ills, yet I keep reinfecting myself with the same shit over and over... I am my own DOG DAY! and its not over! I need my dog days to be over! I cannot keep being consumed by my own stupidity, lack of vision, and usually over reaching mouth!

Where Is My Man!

I suppose I should be happy... I mean I do have a man. But why am I feeling odd about him being back home in West Africa? I believe it has more to do the we haven't talked much & every time I call it short. I called him everyday for the first few days. He hasn't called me once. I know he hasn't been home in 10 years. But am I wrong to feel this way? I suppose I shouldn't feel wired... ?

Where Is The Peace!?

Tony Johnson-Entezari:
Why do 'SOME' people think it is a good idea to "BURN THE QURAN" on 911???? HOW MANY MORE MUSLIMS ARE WE GOING TO PUSH TO HATE AMERICA BY THIS GREAT INSULT???? Don't people know that America's freedom of speech only applies to AMERICANS!??? More importantly that other people around the world do not necessarily underst...and what our FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS!!!??? THESE IDIOTS! COME'ON - TALK TO ME PEOPLE??? FOR-REAL!
See More

Rich Lawrence:
Not to mention the thousands of soldiers that are going to be in harms way because of this ridiculousness.... as if they aren't in enough madness already.
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Tony Johnson-Entezari:
Rich... I cannot believe - some of us AMERICANS have our heads so far in the sand that we cannot see the greater impact our decisions have on others around the world. Moreover, its so bad that we ignore the simplest of ideas (DO NO HARM).

So... many claim to be good Christians with good (COMMON SENSE), but I do not see it! Its laughable the way some of our Christian brothers and sister respond and not with good will... its with a big stick and criticism of anything that is different. I do not believe these are the ideas that "JESUS" taught, spoke of and hoped that Christians would follow!


Alan Wong:
did you hear what the pastor said? He said "America conquered the world, and now Islam will conquer us!" The guys is an imperialist nutbag.

Tony Johnson-Entezari:
Nut bag is a misnomer! This is a rogue Pastor trying to bring about "Prophecy" of the Great War and End of Day. This man has no regard for the safety of others and willing to disenfranchise Muslims in this awful attack on their most precious jewel, The Quran.

Rich Lawrence:
It's funny to me that there is a Christian that has a problem with an extremist Muslim... Yet he is an extremist Christian!? Last I heard Muslims and Christians were taught not to judge because it isn't their place. Period

Rich Lawrence:
The greatest commandment we are all taught is to love one another.

Tony Johnson-Entezari:
Honey, I am with you on this front... I am afraid of what these idiots are doing in the name of piety!

Nadia Brock O'Brien:
I can't believe they are going to do this in the name of all American.. No thanks!! this puts us all in danger and not to mention the Soldiers over seas right now....

Billy Woo:
You don't see crazy Muslims burning the Bible? Why, because at least they know not to go there out of respect. So why should any Christian burn the Quran?

Secondly, Christianity conquered the world for many centuries. Many bad deeds were don...e and millions of people suffered or died in the name of Christian God. It is a drop in a bucket when you compare the number of American killed by Islamic extremists. See More

Jennifer Pendergrass-Belknap:
we agree tony, some people are just ignorant.

Tony Johnson-Entezari:
@ Billy: Yes, you are correct. Did we all forget what THE LAST CRUSADE was about???? I do believe we "AMERICAN'S" have a 1st Amendment right to express this point of view. But when something like this is broadcaster around the world - we must keep in mind that most countries do not know what a 1st amendment right is, thus the concept escapes them! They do not understand that the President cannot tell or order its citizen to not burn Qurans, which implies that we as a nation agree with such behavior.

Why purposely set out to caution harm!? Why purposely set out to do an act which you suspect would be harmful and could have "Unforeseen" consequences; to prove a point? I wish this pastor was just trying to prove a point. He openly stated that he was a RADICAL CHRISTIAN! Well, since we have a history of rounding up RADICALS... maybe we should round up this mad man!? Once this gets out onto the internet there is not taking it back... It will be picked apart by "REAL ISLAMIC RADICALS" and they will us it to fan the flames of hatred.

Tony Johnson-Entezari:
@ Jennifer: Jennifer, ignorant is one world to use, however, I can think of some words that are not so appropriate to use. But as I just said to Billy... our actions matter... rights or no rights. We live in a MACRO world where news is ins...tant and a decision on this side of the planet can affect and shape the minds of others elsewhere.

To this pastor its just an expression of their free speech, which is their right. But with power comes great responsibility and this pastor has a responsibility to his congregation to be a good Christian, a loving Christian and teach goodness and try and brings people to Jesus not preach or cause hatred.

WTF IS UP WITH AMERICAN'S????

Why do 'SOME' people think it is a good idea to "BURN THE QURAN" on 911? HOW MANY MORE MUSLIMS ARE WE GOING TO PUSH TO HATE AMERICA BY THIS GREAT INSULT?? Don't people know that America's freedom of speech only applies to AMERICANS!??? More importantly that other people around the world do not necessarily understand what our FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS!!!??? THESE IDIOTS! COME'ON - TALK TO ME PEOPLE??? FOR-REAL!

The Morning I knew!

It was morning and I opened my eyes to your smile. The twitch of your lips made me smile and remember my luck. My warm hand caressed your brow down the side of your face – neck to chest. I rested my hand there feeling the pulse of your heart. I could feel a change in my own pulse as it sped up to match pace with your own. The sandy bits of pebble in that old ornate hourglass hanging above the bed seemed to move in reverse. For a moment we lived each other’s life! The morning was gone and the afternoon sun crept through the windows. We embraced each other with no words from our lips. It was in that moment I realized it had always been you!

Broken Promise!

I almost forgot what listening to an old song can do for you. It can bring back memories from your past, people that you were friends with, and even those that you may have loved. I can unmistakeably say that the song that I'm listening to now has done more than just invoke old memories. For a moment I was transported back to the mid-80's and the topic was all about Aaron James Williams.

How many times can you be in the presence of someone and feel their love and never express it! What were we afraid of? Aaron always protected me and sometimes from myself! He knew so much more than I did. He tried to teach me how to be a man without giving up who I was as a person. He compromised himself for me, but I was too young, too immature to understand.

I can honestly say that if there was ever a love, a moment, an anything that was never said you can believe me, it was Mr. Williams. Aaron was my Sauveur and he rescued me on more occasions than I needed to be saved. I know that he loved me in several different ways and I loved him too. He was the big brother and sometimes father that I so desperately needed.

I can see his smile and sometimes and I can picture what his eyes were like. I don't know what drive me crazy the most; the face that I can't remember his face or that I never told him how much he meant to me!? I imagine both are equally as bad, since its been many years since he died and I still cant stop crying when I think about him! I can't get your memory out of my head! I love you always! I promised I wouldn't leave you and I did!

I miss you Aaron. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like you were for me! I hope you forgive me for abandoning you!

forever, your friend!

IS THIS TOO MUCH!

I know that we meet people, fall in love, and try to live happily-ever-after. In living this happy life, we as partners share a variety of things such as our love, emotions, food, time, finances, etc. But the question I ask, is there something... one little thing that you wouldn't share with your mate??? If so, what is it?

For me the sharing stops at my toothbrush!!! Yes, I said my toothbrush. You see, my boyfriend has a habit of using my toothbrush and thinks that it is ok! I mean, its not like we don't kiss deeply and or other things related to oral (WHATEVER)! But you get my point.

So why am I so freaked out about my mate using my toothbrush? In my mind, its off limits to his mouth! I think a toothbrush is personal like a retainer... can you imagine your guy using your retainer? that's just gross! LOL. Well, let me know what you think!

Coming Together - Learning A Lesson

You know, today I realized something that I had forgotten. I realized that I have someone that truly loves me for me. I realized that I should be more open, communicate more about things that really matters in my relationship and stop prejudging and trying to determine the outcome before the outcome has even come.

I need to stop pretending that I'm Ms. Cleo, and that my crystal-ball is all seeing and all powerful. Yes, I may have a bit of magic on my side but it doesn't give me card-blanch to make lofty assumptions. I will admit, I'm still a bit ticked that my special someone will not spill his guts about a certain conversation that he had with someone I know. But I guess I will have to man-up and move on!

Its good to know that being a bit older you can still learn now to handle things that come at you. Moreover, I'm happy to say that I am looking forward to seeing how things develop from here on out!

Interestingly enough, we picked up some words of advice from Tatsu 1 & Tatsu 2, a lovely Japanese couple that we met on our visit to the Empire State Building Yesterday. The advice is as follows - The only drama you will experience is the drama that you bring into your own home from outside forces. So, limit the outside worlds exposure to your inside world and let your relationship blossom... words of the wise!

I'm sure the Tatsu's had their share of issues. After all, they have been together for 13 years! ;) I wish them well as do I wish us!

COMPROMISE

Baby,

You are special and I love the things you do for me. I love the
trips that we take and the time we share together. I know
you love your time with me and that is awesome. But I can't help
but think that you want all my time! I do not necessarily think
that it is a bad thing, meaning you wanting to have all my time.

But keep in mind that if we are sharing a weekend get-a-way and
I have spent 99% of that time with you - It should be ok for me
to do something that I want to do. I really want you to understand
that it is not that I want to run off alone or even do crazy things.
I just want our timed get-a-ways to be fun for the both of us! This
does not mean that I didn't have fun this weekend! I enjoyed the
shopping, food, and most of all the Dolphin watching! It was great.

So, next get-a-way. I am not coming back to the house and sitting on
the sofa to play with my computer, when we could have been out either
me playing poker or us at the beach for a moon lite walk! because we
can (AS YOU WOULD SAY) do that at another time or at HOME! ;)

You have my hope, understand, and even my love!

Tony.

THE SITUATION

What is the problem with this situation!

How is it that you can introduce your boyfriend to a friend of yours. Then your boyfriend and your “friend” have conversations that are not discussed with you? They are in a since private conversations that neither your boyfriend or the friend tells you about.

Now, lets had another layers to this situation… There is another “friend.” And your boyfriend goes out to dinners with and not once has invited your to join them… Keep in mind that you haven’t spoken to this other “friend” in about 3 months and neither the “friend” or the boyfriend and mentioned you… ask where are you… when is the last time who spoke!!!

Now, how would you feel if you called your boyfriend and they were on the phone with your “friend” and did not click over to answer you. But instead continued the conversation. When you asked them who they were talking to, they say your friend. You ask why didn’t they click over and they say, because we were have an intense conversation… SHOULD THERE EVER BE AN INTENSE CONVERSATION BETWEEN your mate and your “friend”?


There is more to come on this subject… what do you think people!

Through The Darkness

It is hardest to see the light at the end of any tunnel until someone starts to leads you through the darkness!

What We Had For Breakfast!

Today, Saad and I decided instead of going to Dennys, Bob Evans, I-Hop or Cracker Barrel for breakfast, we would go to the market and pick up some groceries and cook for ourselves. We save a bit of money by doing so and it was a good time for us to bond over brewing coffee and sizzling eggs! The feeling in the air was more than magical, just what Saad and I needed, a quiet comfortable morning.



At the end of whipping up a masterful breakfast we sat in front of an open sliding glass door with a wonderful morning breeze blowing through our flat. Saad sat the table, poured the coffee, the orange juice, and laid the flatware. Our neighbors seem to notice that something was in the air as their heads poked out from behind doors and window to get a whiff of what was cooking! We didn't invite them, but it was fun to watch their smiles and hands rub bellies. It was if they imagined what our breakfast would taste like on their lips.


At last... Breakfast was ready. We sat at the table, Saad saying grace in Arabic. We looked at each other, gave a good smile and dove into what was one of our best breakfast. Off in the distances, neighbors hustled to finish their yard work, lawnmowers buzzing & sheers clipping. We finished our breakfast with a toss of hot hazelnut coffee and a cheese danish. Today is definitely a good day. Our breakfast, Eggs sun-side up, Shiitaki mushroom/redskin potato hash, smoked turkey breast, multigrain roll, fresh fruit, Camembert cheese and you know the rest! YUM!

The fresh scent of Sangak bread

Persians are more than a part of my life, they are now a part of my soul. I have been blessed to be part of a Persian family. Persian traditions have become a part of my daily life and I am not sure how I ever lived without them, its as if I was born into the wrong family. I must admit - my Farsi is horrible but I am working on it and someday I will truly be able to communicate like a real Persian. So, today I will introduce you to Sangak. It is a bread made in a stone hearth and it is one of the most amazing tasting breads you will ever come across.



This is the Story of the Bread Masters of the Sangak by: Ali Moayedian. Every morning when we woke up, there it was; fresh Sangak bread from the local bakery. My father, who is in his 80s, and still faithfully taking care of his children, would walk to the bakery every morning and buy the fresh bread for us. The sight of fresh Sangak was but one of the things that made our last August trip to Iran a memorable.


Sangak is one of the main traditional breads in Iran. It is made in a gas fired brick oven. The baker, called Shater in Iran, will mix make the dough every day and usually makes the bread three times daily starting in the early mornings.



During our previous trip to Iran in summer of 2002, I had paid a visit to the local bakery with my father and taken pictures from the place and the Shater. This time around, equipped with a better camera, I mentioned to my father that we should take more pictures from the bakery. And without wasting any time, the next morning he had promised the Shater that I'd be there to take pictures J And from that day on, my father pressed me every day that we should go do it. But somehow things wouldn't work out and I kept pushing the plan to the next day.

As we kept closer to our departure date, my father kept reminding me every day about the photo shoot. He was really worried the Shater may become unhappy with him. And believe me you want to be in good standing with high profile people like the Shater in Iran. When it comes to Sangak, one cannot take these things lightly as it is one of the critical lifelines for the Iranians. What we are talking about is a steady and high quality flow of Sangaks, and with occasional splashing of sesame seeds!!


So finally I gave in and the last day of our trip we made the historical visit to the Sangak bakery. It seemed time hadn't moved since my last trip there five years earlier. The faithful Shater was still going and going. While in our high tech jobs we keep jamming more transistors on chips every year, and we keep shrinking the geometries, the Sangak was still the same old Sangak. It hadn't grown or shrunk. But the looks and the aroma were still as great as ever.


I chatted with the Shater a bit too. He said his name is Hassan Sabahi (I hope I have it right since I waited so long to write this). He then said, very proudly, that recently they had shot videos of his bakery to show abroad. But since he was really busy, I had to minimize the interruption. I took some pictures which I promised him to publish them on the internet. We then left happily with a few fresh Sangaks which I can promise you we put to good use with feta cheese and sour cherry jam J As they say in Iran: "wish you were there too!"

In loving memory of Iraj Entezari - Love you Daddy... You are always in my heart.

In Need Of God!

I can hear the buzzing loud music from my alarm clock. I was already awake but I lied in bed longer than I should have. I looked over and the Alarm clock – read – 8:24am. I dreaded the idea of actually making it to my ten o’clock meeting.

Today was unlike most days… I woke up with butterflies in my belly. This usually happens when I know something was wrong or when I know that I was in trouble. I tried to relive this feeling of anxiety with a cup of coffee and it has about as much effect as a Band-Aid on a bullet hole.

I didn’t bother to wash-up, I just brushed my teeth. I jumped into my car and drove off an hour and twenty minutes earlier than I should have. 9 o’clock – I made it to my destination. I didn’t see their vehicles so I knew that I was early. I pulled out my keys and unlocked the door – I just wanted to have another look around before those so very final words would sit at the bottom of my belly along with the butterflies.

Two of my employees where already there… we spoke, I shook their hands and told them thank you. They looked surprised as if they didn’t know what I was telling them. It was true, they didn’t know. The door buzzer when off as someone new walked into the building; it was Jim, the founder.

With out words, I passed my keys and managers card over to him. He looked me in my eyes and said I’m sorry! I’m sorry that it had to end this way. You were the best we’ve ever had and it is unfortunate that it must end this way. Of course we will not dispute unemployment benefits for you… and it will go on your record as an indefinite layoff with a good reference for your next employers. I was mute and felt the sting of his word lash across my reality.

It was now clear… All the sounds around me came back into focus and I could finally discern the reality from the fiction playing in the foreground of my mind. I stood up not realizing that we had even sat down the talk. I bundled up my things and quietly walked out the front door wishing this morning hadn’t come. The rain made the moment even more surreal as slow moving clouds concealed the suns rays hampered my recovery. What did I miss!? How could I have been such a fool to not see the signs, I thought? It didn’t matter anymore. I had only one option left!

It’s funny how we always seem to turn back to God for comfort in our moments of pain, hurt, feelings of loneliness, or most importantly when we are lost! So, today I ask God, to help me through this period of being lost. I also ask that God provide me with a lesson from this failure and grant me the wisdom to not make the same errors in judgment again. I lastly ask that God show me a way, a reason to keep on moving ahead! Can you do that for me God??

EARTH DAY

Today is a day of Earthiness... what does it mean? Well, I think it means that people around the world, for one day out of 365 days, decided not to trash the planet. Its good to remember that if we kill the planet - it means the end of us and all of its other inhabitants. So, lets have a little more Earthiness more often than just one day out of that 365!!!