Sunday, November 23, 2008



BEHIND THAT SMILE

I thought I had overcome the feeling of being weak, the feelings of not being more. I am still fighting with my stunted potential. I cannot help the feeling of helplessness. I am depressed and I do not know why. I have been thinking of killing myself for the last couple of years but never gave any real consideration to the thoughts until now. At first I thought I was just experiencing some low points in my life. But I have come to realize that I do not love myself.

This is most troubling, considering I always tell my friends to keep their heads up and be strong and here I am the one not being strong. I don't think any of my friends know how I really feel inside. I am being ripped apart piece by piece and I don’t know what to do about it. I have been having lots of sex without condoms and not caring… In fact I don’t think I’ve cared about much since mom (grandmother) died. But even now I believe that is an excuse to not come clean.

I have done so well lying to others about my feelings that I have fooled the fool! Myself! I don't know what to do, and I cannot say that I am not scare, because I am… I not scare of dying just dying alone. At least that is what I believe, and some how I have this idea that if I kill myself while I am love and have friends I will have died in a manner that matter? I don’t know it all sounds so crazy…

I truly believe there is someone inside me yelling, banging on the insides, and underneath all this body, this man who never grew up like a young man should is crowed and dying. He’s begging for help but no one hears him! I don’t even hear him, but I know he’s there because I see him from time to time when I look in the mirror. He's not that big and strong person that everyone thinks he is, he’s pretty weak, and pathetic! A sad person who lies to cover his pain!

5 comments:

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

My dearest friend,

Feeling sad and letting the world know about it is normal, sane and human. On the other hand, keeping one's emotions bottled up and lying about them is toxic behavior that will consume you and your loved ones.

It's OK to wanna leave this world and you will sooner or later, but why speed up the process? Why the rush?

It's OK to feel numb and let oneself go, but your friends are there to make you realize that self-destruction isn't wise.

It's OK if we feel depressed; we're only humans - nothing more. Our lives are made of cycles: so it's all cloudy one day, and very sunny the next. The weather is made of 4 seasons, why not our lives? :)

And you got the love and respect of many people, including my humble self. I didn't lie when I said you're an exceptional human being! Sometimes, we just need to hear it to remember that we are, indeed, FABULOUS! :)

Everytime I felt useless and loveless, you hit me on the head and reminded me that you were there, which meant the world to me and brought a huge smile to my face.

Plus, don't be a selfish diva! If you put an end to your life, who will I list as one of my VERY few VIP friends?

You have something I admire a lot in people: child-like candor and cheerfulness along with dumbfounding poetic skills. You have more assets than you may think you do. We need to get ya a new mirror cos your old one seems not to be working.

Now, all you gotta do is to promise yourself to be 100% yourself (whether people like it or not), speak your mind 100% of the time (whether your words find echo in some heads or not), and love yourself 100% of the time (because nobody can love you more than yourself).

And don't make me wanna hurl again! OKAY Gurrrl? ;)

And I'm through.

BIG HUGZIES!

Anoop Sinha said...

I've been there back and forth - it'll pass, trust me. This is something my mom has posted on our refrigerator:

Buddha's Five Remembrances

1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

2. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.

3. I am of the the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Don.NET said...

You told me something a long time ago that I took to heart.. Especially with the kidney disease and weekly dialysis. It's helped me through a lot..

the words were

"just do.."

don't think about it, have purpose and drive and don't question yourself..

TICKLEBEAR said...

we all matter in this world, whether you know it or not. & thinking of removing yourself from the equation would hurt this world.
know yourself, respect yourself, love yourself.
by being true, some will leave you, preferring the lies. others will come to you, for the right reasons. don't be afraid of the transition.
good luck!
:)~

Wilmaryad B. O'Scallas said...

Ticklebear is right! :-)