BEHIND THAT SMILE
I thought I had overcome the feeling of being weak, the feelings of not being more. I am still fighting with my stunted potential. I cannot help the feeling of helplessness. I am depressed and I do not know why. I have been thinking of killing myself for the last couple of years but never gave any real consideration to the thoughts until now. At first I thought I was just experiencing some low points in my life. But I have come to realize that I do not love myself.
This is most troubling, considering I always tell my friends to keep their heads up and be strong and here I am the one not being strong. I don't think any of my friends know how I really feel inside. I am being ripped apart piece by piece and I don’t know what to do about it. I have been having lots of sex without condoms and not caring… In fact I don’t think I’ve cared about much since mom (grandmother) died. But even now I believe that is an excuse to not come clean.
I have done so well lying to others about my feelings that I have fooled the fool! Myself! I don't know what to do, and I cannot say that I am not scare, because I am… I not scare of dying just dying alone. At least that is what I believe, and some how I have this idea that if I kill myself while I am love and have friends I will have died in a manner that matter? I don’t know it all sounds so crazy…
I truly believe there is someone inside me yelling, banging on the insides, and underneath all this body, this man who never grew up like a young man should is crowed and dying. He’s begging for help but no one hears him! I don’t even hear him, but I know he’s there because I see him from time to time when I look in the mirror. He's not that big and strong person that everyone thinks he is, he’s pretty weak, and pathetic! A sad person who lies to cover his pain!