Sunday, January 11, 2009
It is hard to think of words to say that express my feelings about those who care for me. I can only say that I truly appreciate the support. I have had a hard time dealing with a few things. I would like to have some excuse for why I feel the way I have recently. I would like to blame it all on the death of my mother (grandmother) who raised me. I would like to think that I couldn’t get over the fact that she had been living with cancer, two types, one of which was very rare for nearly nine years and only discovering them a year and two or so months before they took her life!
I would like to think that I had come to terms with that lost and not feeling like the one person that I cared so much for was gone. I could no longer call upon her to make me smile or listen to my crazy ideas of becoming wealthy. It was hard to think that the person who taught me to love LOONY TOONS, wasn’t going to laugh with me anymore or that I could no long remember her smile, her laugh, her scent! I would love to say that I feel the way I do now, because she isn’t here; but I can't.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there… I thought I was doing better. I thought that I could live life without her and I have. So, I turned to the one person who I knew would make me feel better; Daddy (Grandfather). Daddy was still with me, and daddy reminded me of her smile, her antics, and all the great foods that filled our bellys. But you know, life is a wicked-son-of-a-BITCH… Because only heaven would have known that just over a year after mom passing... daddy joined her! I WAS PISSED, HURT, ANGRY, AND MISSING MY PARENTS!
I knew that I had made my peace with dad, and I know that I was ok with him passing or so I thought. Everyone thought that dad was going to pass before mom did, but that’s not how life worked out. Dad had always been sicker than mom and we all knew that she did her best to take care of him. In all this, I can’t help but feel cheated… Yes, I have been selfish about the both of them, I mean… no one in our immediate family had ever died; mom was the first, dad was the second. Sadly enough, we all knew after mom died that dad wouldn’t be around much longer, and as sure as my name is Tony, that’s exactly what happen.
But what I didnt know was how hard I would take it. I didnt want to go to dads funeral where I had read a poem at moms. I didnt sit with my family, I stayed in the kitchen, I was rude and short with people, I was a complete, ASS HOLE! I just had to believe that through all the laughing at dinner where family and friends of my father ate, someone had to be feeling what I was! it wasn't a time to laugh, I couldn't bring myself to even eat! I was mad at them for talking as if everything was ok! I just never admitted it to myself until now! So, I carried that angry with me across state-lines from Detroit to Philadelphia where it sat at the bottom of my gut!
You know, I would like to blame my problems on their death… but you see, my issues had nothing to do with them. I know this… I have come to the understanding that I was not happy about things going on in my life, maybe mom & dads death was the catalyst, but even that seem far fetched, because the truth is inside me! I put up this wall; “oh Tony is ok.” I hid behind a mask! I hid the cancer that has been eating at me for more years than the cancer that killed my mother and I do not know why? However, what I do know is, I do not want to wait until its to late! I do not want to let my cancer kill me! I want to live, I want to feel better, do better… I need chemotherapy for the cancer that is inside of me… and I’ve started… the doses are hard and there us much to cure… but I know in the end that with the suppose of my friends I will overcome this and be more than ok, better than better and that alone is enough for me to keep fighting.
I love you guys! Thank you!