Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Prefect Disaster

Why are we so crazy when it comes to love? We meet people, share time with them then we bundle ourselves up with that person and call it a relationship! Why do we do it? Are we scared of being alone? Are we looking for a show-piece for our arms or are we seriously looking for companionship?

I’d like to think that it’s a bit of all of the above! I am really stupid! I have not been thinking straight. I have been looking for every excuse to not be with a great guy that anyone would want. I ignored the real reason why I didn’t want to be with him. But instead of telling him "ALL" of the truth. I let him say those three words - LETS BREAK UP -

I believe that I can finally tell the "Whole" truth and say – Yes! I was afraid. I was afraid that because we were in two different places when it came to our feelings about each other that I would kill the relationship. He is In-Love with me while I have love for him! Now you may ask yourself, what the hell does that mean - you only have love for him. Well, what it means is this: I like him a lot. I care for him and have feelings for him but I haven’t reached the state of being In-love with him yet!

I was concerned that I wouldn’t reach that stage since we have been together for several months and I haven’t fallen In-Love yet! So, I did the most predictable gay thing and broke it off with him because of my insecurities about my lack of complete love for him.

I did something even more wrong and hurtful… I tried to justify my reasons for not wanting the relationship by hiding behind a financial situation, the pain of loosing a cousin and the lost of my God Father; how stupid am I. I created the prefect disaster! I let him sail out on open seas right into the arms of my hurricane.

This big disaster is paramount and only trumped by the ignorance of its creator! How did I not see the underlining truth about my error in breaking up with my partner? It was bad enough that my partner asked me to give it a bit more time and see how I felt, but no, I didn’t want to hurt him and drag things on because it was uncomfortable, I told myself! DID I EVEN THINK ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK I WAS SAYING TO MYSELF! How stupid that must have sound to my mate! He offered up every thing in the book of love and I took none of them! I shot down every plan of action that could have saved us and my stupid ass!

I am a DICK! I was so busy being me that I never stopped to see about him when all the time I was supposes to be caring about his feelings; his heart! Today I couldn’t get him out of my head. Yesterday, I couldn’t get him out of my head. Even, now I can’t get him out of my head. Oddly enough - it was my ex boyfriend that seemed to have the answer I was seeking.

It was then that I realized that I didn’t want to loose him. I didn’t want to give up on us. I couldn’t give up on us. I was so afraid that if we gave it a shot and it didn’t work out that he could or would resent me for all the energy he invested in me and I don't think I could take that… I don’t think I could have been as brave and strong as he was.

I only hope that I haven’t done too much damage that things cannot be repaired. We must talk and come to terms with the differences between us. We must talk about what it is that each of us want from each other and how do we get there as a team. And I can only say that if he is willing to except where I am in my love for him and time give me time – I am beyond ready to except his hand and give us a chance at a beautiful life together.

Lets leaving all disasters in the wake of our sail.

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